Paper Pregnant

The X in Xmas comes from the first letter in the Greek word for Christ.  Versions of X for Christ have been used since the 1400s.  Its not taking Christ out of Christmas.  Its actually been used in so many more ways than just Christmas.  It was used for Christianity (Xtianity), obviously not trying to take the Christ out of it…

My big pet peeve during this season is people getting upset about the use of Xmas and “taking Christ out of Christmas.”  That is not the case.  And, actually, when people use it that way they are usually just being lazy and it has nothing at all to do with religion. 

Okay… done ranting.

She texted me this morning saying that our next two interviews, including the individual interviews that last 5+ hours, are going to be the 26th and 27th.  Now I just can’t wait for Christmas so I can get closer to finishing the home study and being matched with a birth mother.

My old boss was let go.  It was truly horrible working for him.  He was controlling and a micromanager. 

Well, they hired a new guy.  He’s annoying, full of himself, and talks wayyyy too much.  But he is a blessing.  And now I am finally able to become the professional I wanted to be.  I’m in so much control of our department now.  I have so much responsibility and I’m so busy, but I’m really enjoying it right now. 

And then, on top of that, we were given 2 weeks of vacation.  So I picked up a couple shifts at my old job that I used to love… but so much has changed!  Its not the same place anymore and I’m a little sad because I don’t love it as much as I used to.  It used to be the only place I felt at home.  I really loved being there and working with the people.  Now its completely different.  It doesn’t feel right.  My boss and the chef were let go for trying to get the tyranical director out of the picture.  It is really sad to see.  Everyone is on edge and someone that I used to workwithis now trying to run everything without enough experience in the position.  She is a good choice for the position, but she wasn’t given enough time with the boss before he was let go and she had this whole department dropped on her.

Now I go back to the place that used to be home and I feel so out of place.  Plus, it is hard to go from the management position that I’m in to the bottom of the food chain there.  I don’t know how tonotbe in charge.  I want to set things how I want them and I want to direct people and do the managerial duties instead of the heavy lifting. 

They say you can’t go home again.  And that’s almost what it feels like.  Its like graduating from college and then trying to walk back into your junior high school and feel at home.  It just doesn’t work. 

Our social worker told me that she expects my individual interview to last at least 2 1/2 hours… apparently I look pretty broken just on the paperwork.  She has no idea.

And that’s why I think God has prepared me for adoption.  My child’s life will never be easy or normal.  And I’m ready to handle that.

I found out I was pregnant

Put the adoption on hold

Saw all my doctors and specialists about being pregnant

Got test results showing the baby was doing well

Had a miscarriage

God, why don’t I look like them? Why don’t I talk like them? Why don’t I act like them? I know we are so much alike… but why didn’t I end up like them?

I look at them… their easy lives, their happy families, their beautiful faces… where is mine? My life has been tough! So much hurt, heartbreak, suffering. My family was broken and poor. We struggled to get by. I don’t look stunning… with or without make up. I don’t get admirers, even if I haven’t brushed my hair.

Is it wrong that I don’t find myself drawn to live the same “Christian” lifestyle? I don’t listen to only Christian music… I really like rock n roll. I didn’t marry a godly man… he found you through me. I don’t travel the world in your name, I don’t work for Christian organizations… hell, I barely make it to church most weeks…

I don’t have a glamorous job or get respect for the industry I’m in.

Why didn’t I get lucky?

And that’s when I felt the laughter. “Lucky? They’ll never understand the lessons you’ve learned. They’ll never know what its like to watch their husband’s head come up from the baptism waters. They’ll never get to connect with someone suffering from mental illness. Making friends with those who don’t know My name will never come naturally. They’ll never hold a baby of a different race and KNOW in their heart that it is their child- loving the child and the birth mother.”

Wow. Every moment of my rough life is being put to use for Your glory, God. You’ve given me more happiness and fulfillment than I could have found on my own. And you have prepared me far ahead of time for things yet to come.

Why didn’t others get as lucky as me?

Only 4 more days of our fundraiser!!

www.adoptionbug.com/ldcleveland

If you don’t support something, then don’t give money to it.

The end.

Please help us raise the remaining balance to begin our home study!

There are a couple options:

My favorite- we are selling t-shirts which support us and adoption organizations at the same time.  This fundraiser ends on Oct 7th, so hurry and get your t-shirt!!  I love my shirt and I’d wear it every day if I could :)

www.adoptionbug.com/ldcleveland

The other- we are accepting donations.  Not something I originally wanted to do because I don’t like just asking for money with nothing in return.  But enough people asked for it that we finally created a site for it.

www.giveforward.com/ldcleveland

Please help us bring our baby home!

So I finally broke down and created an account.

Here is our adoption donation page:

http://www.giveforward.com/ldcleveland

The friend that told me she was adopting…

She texted me this morning.  She took a pregnancy test this morning just to be sure.  And she’s pregnant.  Not paper pregnant.  For real pregnant.

I love her.  And I’m seriously excited to be adopting.  But it hurt a little to hear that.

I’m going to work really hard to raise money over the next few days so we can bring our baby home soon.  Please help me!

www.adoptionbug.com/ldcleveland

Hi guys!

I really need some help.  The adoption agency wants us to move forward with the home study.  Yay!  But, unfortunately, that means somehow coming up with $1000 in a very short amount of time.  To help raise money, we are selling t-shirts that support our adoption process and helps some adoption charities at the same time.  If you are willing to give us a little help, please check out our fundraiser site:  www.adoptionbug.com/ldcleveland

Here’s a couple examples of the shirts:

A friend of mine has been trying to get pregnant on and off for almost as long as we have.  She is one medications for bipolar disorder and other things like that.  She was raised in foster care and has some major emotion issue, but on medication she does great.  I’m the same way… medication was the greatest thing to come into my life.  Anyway… the medication she is one keeps her from ovulating.  And even coming off of it hasn’t really helped. 

A couple weeks ago I was hanging out with her husband and he said that they had been talking about adoption a little bit.  Well, today she calls me after seeing our picture that I posted on Facebook:

She said that my picture pushed her.  She is totally ready.  And she wants to adopt!  Now she is asking me tons of questions about how to get started.

I’m so happy!!  I never knew how incredibly excited I would be to hear someone else wanting go through the paper pregnancy process :)

We sent in the paperwork today!  It was so exciting sending the heavy envelope full of legal forms and questionnaires and certificates to the agency.  I forgot to include one form, but I emailed the agency and said I’d get it over to them as soon as possible.

Next step is the home study!

One step closer to bringing our baby home :)

We’re not even done with the application process yet and I’ve already picked out a nursery theme and looking at baby names lol.  I can’t wait to start seeing progress in this process.  Waiting until Monday when the agency is back from vacation.

We have officially begun the adoption process.  And to help raise money to support this, we used Adoption Bug to help create a fundraiser.

If you would like to support us, here is our site:

http://www.adoptionbug.com/ldcleveland/

A couple days ago, one of my employees told me that she is pregnant.  She is 44 years old and a lesbian that has been living with her girlfriend for 7 years.  It is a really rocky relationship and things at home have been obviously rough.  She cheated on her girlfriend and got pregnant.  She told me that she was going to end it and have an abortion.  I offered to take the baby if she wanted to go through with the pregnancy.  I haven’t spoken to her in a couple days so I have no idea if it is going to work out or not.

Today, a friend of a friend from college posted on Facebook that she was raped and is pregnant and giving the baby up for adoption.  I haven’t offered to adopt the baby yet, but I did send her an email. 

Is this all a sign that we should be adopting?

My husband just called me and said that we was let go from his job.  Not how I wanted to start my 4th of July.

Really having to trust God today.

Spotting started.

This month is pretty much over.

I never think that I can feel any worse at the end of each cycle.  And then I’m always surprised that I really can feel worse each time.

Temp dropped today.  So I didn’t even bother testing.

No spotting yet.  And no major temp drop.

Boobs hurt really bad.  Worse than ever before.

Going to POAS tomorrow.

Took my second injection a few minutes ago. 

Sounds like I had an ovarian cyst rupture yesterday.

Also, my mommy is flying in today.

Ended up having a vertigo attack yesterday, too.

Ugh!

Well, heading to my doc now to see if I’ll be doing these injections anymore.

I was so excited that I was able to do the injection myself.

Then I get severe symptoms of OHSS.

I feel like I’m dying.

I did the injection by myself!!!!

OMG!  I’ve never been so proud of myself before.  I overcame my biggest phobia today!!

I might actually be able to do this….

Got a positive OPK yesterday and then an even darker one this morning.  I am scheduled to start the IUI process at 2:00pm today.  About 2 hours.  Pretty nervous.  But very excited!

OPKs have been consistently dark but notquitepositive.  So I’m still waiting to get this IUI done.

Also, I got my meds and syringes and needs in the mail the other day.  I keep staring at the needles thinking I’m going to throw up.  Ugh!

We’re doing an IUI this cycle.  Its been decided.  And progesterone injections.  So not looking forward to that part!

AF just started.  I guess since its 4:30, then I’d consider tomorrow CD1…

Had a tiny bit of spotting last night.  And temp took a huge drop today.  AF will probably be here tomorrow.

That means IUI this cycle.

Well, I made it through Mothers Day without crying.  AND I did NOT take a test this morning.  I’m a little anxious about it, but I think I’ll survive lol.

Now I’m making cinnamon rolls.  Baking always makes me feel better :)

Polishing silverware… my favorite…

That’s sarcasm.

Remember that test I took this morning?

I pulled it out of the trash when I got home from work (don’t judge me lol).

And that line that I swore that I saw but thought I was imagining… its really dark now.

What does this mean?

Woke up from a dream that I went to POAS and AF had arrived.  It was pretty horrible.

My temp took a .4 deg dip today.  Implantation?  It was pretty cold this morning, too…

And I did actually test again today, like I planned.  BFN.  But I could have sworn that I saw the faintest, lightest line.  I know… my hopeful eyes were probably playing tricks on me.  I didn’t even take a picture of it… that’s how sure I am that I was imagining it. But still….

My face is breaking out really bad.  And I’ve felt sick every time my stomach starts to get empty.  And the muscles in my back are killing me (probably because of lifting stuff that’s too heavy).  And one other TMI symptom that I won’t post lol.  Plus, my temp took a pretty decent jump today.

I hope these are good signs.

Also, I had a conversation with someone yesterday at my Bible Study group.  She is about 20 years older than me and her father has recently been battling Alzheimer’s.  She has been doing a lot of reading on it and she gave me some advise based on the info she’s learned.

Since my best friend had her baby 9 days ago, I haven’t been able to talk to her.  I can’t look at pictures, I can’t talk about it, and I can barely think about it without crying.  At Bible Study yesterday I was told that its okay to take time away.  Time to myself.  Time without thinking about it.

I did that today.  And I feel a lot better just taking today not to think about it.

stillwaitingforabfp:

infertileme:

I’m really tired of infertility.

I’m tired of waiting for cycle day whatever, for ovulation, for tww, for testing, for all of it.

I’m tired of trying to see a line that isn’t even there.

I’m tired of sitting back while all my TTC buddies go on to have children.

I’m tired of crying, tired of wanting, tired of fighting.

I’m just fucking tired.

All of this. ^

I POAS this morning.

Don’t judge me :P

I just looked at it (a couple hours later) and there is definitely an evap line… I know, its not a BFP, but its the first time I’ve ever seen an evap line.  So that’s something.

Had some cramping in my abs today after taking a walk for less than five minutes.  Felt like I had run a mile.  Otherwise, no symptoms to report today.

I’ve been obsessed with Googling twin symptoms today.  Hoping its twins.  Wouldn’t that be awesome?

I’m really itching to POAS, so I might take a really really early one in the morning, just to get my fix.

Heartburn!  OMG!

And I didn’t eat anything out of the ordinary today.